i has a OT8!
I wrote these some time ago when I was tooling around in comments, and now they are posted here for posterity, for better or worse. Basically, Merlinarnia is quickly becoming my fandom of choice.
Edmund is like, "Unchain yourself from that sequoia, you hippie shits!" and Lucy and Morgana are like, "NEVERRRR."
Edmund is like, "THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GET THINGS DONE," but no one listens. Arthur just raises an eyebrow and looks at his very expensive watch and says, "Listen, I have to hop a plane to China in four hours and certify dams that will displace about 100 villages. I have no time for this shit." The Loggers of the Round Table VRRROOM their bulldozers and wave their chainsaws as if to emphasize his point, and Edmund sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose because when he signed up to be an advocate for the Nature Conservancy this was not what he had in mind.
Back at HQ, Susan analyzes the logistics of implementing a viable plan of protection for the trees, except she manipulates the numbers to make it seem like sequoias are even MORE endangered than they are, and Gaius squints at her plan and says, "I don't know about this. Plus, it's rather a strain on the budget." And then they are reasonable at each other until someone gives in.
So anyway, Edmund is almost done negotiating something with Arthur, while Peter makes cheerful small talk with the Round Table Loggers as he stands pointedly in front of the bulldozers. And SUDDENLY, there is this ruckus, and they all whip around and it is Tumnus, Gwen, Caspian, and Lancelot running in with banners and signs, all of them smelling vaguely of patchouli.
And the expressions on everyone's faces turn into that of horror.
"Oh no," Peter gasps. "Greenpeace."
Caspian represents the Telmarine Foundation To Save Baby Whales (or whatever) and Peter heads the Narnian Association To Educate Orphans (or something), and then there is a new RICH BILLIONAIRE philantropist (NAMED PENDRAGON) in town eager to give back to the world! And the Pevensies WORK ALL WEEK on this proposal while they bitch about those Telmarine Foundation shits and their fund-stealing ways and anyway NARNIANS HAVE MORE HEART. What do those whale-humping douchebags know about rousing grassroots support? What can their shiny ads of CGI overkill do? "A lot," shrugs Susan. Everyone's like, "SHUT UP SUSAN."
In the waiting room of Arthur's office on the day, Peter and Susan see Caspian already sitting there, with his laptop bag and his briefcase and his perfect hair.
They NARROW THEIR EYES AT EACH OTHER.
"How are your baby whales?" Peter says all smooth and shit.
"Very well," Caspian replies. "And your uneducated orphans?"
Susan says in a clipped tone, "Wonderful."
They GLARE AT EACH OTHER and end up bickering and bringing up old grudges ("You got a marine biologist to falsify results for you so you can get more funding!" "It's not for me! It's for the whales! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE WHALES."), and Merlin opens the door and is like, "Mr. Pendragon will see you now."
Arthur is just bursting with idealism and optimism, and wants so much to help the world because he's so privileged. ("His father holds a senior position in an auto industry Fortune 500," Susan explained to Peter earlier. "Ah," said Peter, "that explains it.") And Arthur is like, "What have you got for me?"
And Peter, Susan, and Caspian are such SLEAZEBAG USED CAR SALESMEN ABOUT THEIR PROJECT PROPOSALS, and Arthur listens with this thoughtful look on his face.
"I see!" says Arthur at the end. "I cannot decide whether I like orphans or whales more."
"Orphans are cute."
"Whales are necessary to the marine ecosystem! Orphans just contribute to overpopulation."
"Whales don't have FEELINGS."
"HOW DARE YOU."
And there is bickering about how the informational brochures should look like ("Put a picture of Tim in it! I promised him he would be on the front cover." "Aw, Lu, he's ugly!"), sour grape grumblings that the Telmarine Foundation made a better TV commercial ("Who needs Angelina Jolie?" Peter says loudly, and no one answers because everyone is thinking why didn't she return our calls?), panic at external evaluations ("Do we get points off if our toilets are still broken?" "Ed, you were supposed to call the plumber!" "OH SORRY BUT SOMEONE MADE ME REDESIGN BROCHURES FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT."), and Susan's eternal quest for the perfect data processing software.
Okay, earphones, this isn't funny anymore. COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE.